“You Remind Me of My Dead Boyfriend” - Things to Never Say on a Date

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We all had dates where we said or been told something terribly awkward. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, everyone has or will do it. But sometimes there are things we shouldn’t say; such as the time a date once told me that I’m not American because I’m not “white.” But then there's the special “lose faith in humanity” lines that would maybe result in castration if spoken. Here are some of those lines:

The Car Ride to Dinner

·         Have you ever seen Lemon Party? 

·         Does it smell like fermented yeast in here?

·         You look stylish. I hope your panties match.

·         How much did those cost ya?

·         I decide where to take my dates based on how well they dress when I pick them up. We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese.  

Dinner

·         How much do you weigh? I’m only asking because I have back problems.

·         I really admire Bill Cosby.

·         I can’t stand up right now. Accidental erection.  

·         The reason I asked you out because you reminded me of an actress I’ve seen on Pornhub.

·         Are you comfortable with the idea of sister-wives?

·         That’s a nice pussy-curtain you’re wearing.

·         Wow, that’s an interesting point you just made. You’re not as dead-behind-the-eyes as I thought you were.

·         I love your laugh, it reminds me of Seth Rogen’s.

Dessert

·         (While having chocolate ice cream being dispensed from the machine) This reminds me of 2 girls 1 cup.

·         (After eating an Altoids) Oh shit, I roofied myself.

·         Oh, you smoke. Good. That means oral is not out of the question.

·         Have you ever smoked weed, jerked off to porn while on the toilet, cum; and sit in your own mess while feeling guilty for what you just watched?

·         Wait, you’re insecure about that? Oh, honey…you have other things to be insecure about.

Home

·         Did I flush?

·         That penicillin is not what you think it’s for.

·         I hope your extensions don’t easily pull off. We’re going full gallop tonight.

·         How do you feel about making a little movie tonight? It’s going to be a Cronenberg style film.

·         Holy shit! Good thing I didn’t put your panties in my mouth. You need to wipe more.

·         It’s ok, I had a vasectomy.