“A Bar Full of Prophets” - An Inappropriate and Possibly Sacrilegious Short Story

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I once walked into this bar and found everyone huddled around one man. The sounds of gasps and applause filled the air, which made my curiosity titillate. I made my way through the crowd and I was shocked to whom I found, Jesus Christ. And I’ll tell you something, he is one smooth mother fucker.

Jesus was making friends with the bikers, the bankers, the politicians and the hookers. Everyone loved him as he kept speaking some profound jive. He was spitting game to the ladies while doing some magic tricks to impress everyone, expect for the Hebrew bar owner. The bar owner got pissed when Jesus got everyone drunk for free by turning all their glasses of water into wine. The bar owner called the police but Officer Pilot, the Italian, didn’t feel like arresting him until he received his weekly bribe. Officer Pilate was about to smack him around, until Jesus said he had to go to the bathroom. Jesus was in there for 3 minutes until Pilate found out he ascended…through the bathroom window.

I walked around the rustic bar and saw the bald Buddha, wearing just a robe and chilling in the corner. He’s been sitting in the corner before Jesus showed up and has just been patiently listening to drunken confessions and stoned ramblings about the meaning of life. He silently wondered if some of these people should be reincarnated.

In the middle of the bar was Muhammad, who was slickly playing poker and taking peoples cash like it was a Jihad. He accidently ate too much spicy food and ran to the bathroom where he blew it up. The smell was so bad that L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise came running out of the same stall together. Before anyone can ask what they were doing in the stall together and why was Tom Cruise walking funny; 20 scientology lawyers surrounded us and threaten to sue if we told the truth.

John Smith was walking up to everyone in his adorable short-sleeve shirt and tie, asking if they wanted to join his cosplay club.

Muhammad and the Hebrew bar owner pissed each other off over some stupid shit and forced everyone to take sides. A massive bar brawl broke out with everyone at each other’s throats, except for the Buddha. He was just chilling in the corner with some ladies.

Everyone was fighting until the deafening blow of trumpets silenced us all. A bright light came from outside which caused a chill to go through the room. I slowly opened the door and nearly fainted at the sight. Jesus Christ was back and was riding a custom made white and chromed chopper. We all walked out and wondered what would happen next.

Mary M., the Hebrew bar owner’s sexy daughter, ran from inside with her backpack and jumped on the back of Jesus’s sweet chopper. His custom trumpet horn blared again as he peeled out and rode off in the sunset with the person he loved. Like a smooth mother fucker.

We all looked at each other and asked why were we at each other’s throats? We were all at the bar for a good time and nearly wasted a good night over some stupid squabble we never wanted to be part of. A couple of white guys tried to get Muhammad and the Hebrew bar owner to make up but they were too stubborn. A few Texans wanted them to fight so the “apocalypse” can happen.

The rest of us decided to have a good time without them. We left and went to an older but spirited bar named Gaia's, which was owned by a jolly Indian fellow named Ganesha. We broke bread, drank wine and enjoyed the brotherhood of life, together. All of us except for Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard. They went to their houseboat and played Captain and Semen.

Andrew Franks